Our 717th Dad in the Limelight is author and dad, Matthew McKay. I want to thank Matthew McKay for being a part of this series. It has been great getting connected with him and now sharing Matthew McKay with all of you.
1) Tell me about yourself, (as well as how you are in the limelight for my readers knowledge)
I was “promoted” to Dad status 10 years ago when I was working as a financial analyst at an investment bank. Two years later our second daughter was born and I was feeling completely disconnected from my oldest. The job required significant travel and long hours.
My wife and I decided to trade roles. She had stayed at home when our first was born and after two years of changing diapers and singing toddler tunes she was ready to return to Adultland. I thought the chance to stay at home for a year would provide the opportunity to connect with my daughters, support my wife, and figure out my next career move while having some down time… eight years later I’m still technically “at home.”
I have loved almost every minute of staying at home. My daughters and I have a great relationship, my wife’s career has advanced well, and I decided my old career was not exciting anymore. As the “primary care provider” I have focused on roles that are flexible and partial time (read between the lines – volunteer).
The roles I have had include, PTO President/ VP, Chair of an Aquatics Committee to build a pool in the town (I am an avid swimmer), elected Town Meeting Member, elected Recreation Commissioner for my town, and member of Stewardship Committee at my church.
One the main drivers behind taking on these roles has been to lead by example. The last thing I wanted my daughters to see was a deadbeat dad lying around the house all day. My volunteering has always been my way to show them what is important in life.
When my youngest entered kindergarten, and I found more time back in my life, I decided to write a Science Fiction novel. My oldest showed an interest in writing and it was a way to give her an example and a way to turn my brain back on. So for two years I researched particle physics, neurology, psychology, and philosophy and wrote.
The writing led to a breakdown. It turned into a way for me to wrestle through a lot of internal issues and re-evaluate my life. My father was pressuring me to go back to work, like any real man would. My priorities were shifting in what I wanted out of a professional career, and I knew I wanted to spend more time with my girls.
The breakdown was really an awakening. A minister at my church read through the novel and handed me a pile of spiritual books to read that I was writing about (without knowing it). The novel transformed how I viewed the world. Everything kind of makes sense now and I am much happier.
The last piece is that actually publishing a book takes money, and so I took a part-time job selling high end swimming pools in the northeast US for an Italian company. This funding source allows me avoid asking my wife for money to support a writing career that may prove quite unprofitable.
The novel, Evolved, comes out in November. So maybe I can actually provide some financial support to the family now.
2) Tell me about your family
Two daughters, now aged 8 and 10, who enjoy swimming, running, piano, guitar and writing. A loving and supportive wife who has stood by me through this whole transformative process, with its ups and downs.
3) What has been the largest challenge you have had in being a father?
Lots of challenges but the biggest one has been ignoring the societal pressures for how a man should act and father his children. Stay at home fathers are becoming more accepted, but there remains many subtle challenges. No community support networks, like Mother’s Forum or Junior League, for fathers is one example. Pressure from my parents to work and financially support the family is another.
Uncomfortable relations with stay-at-home mothers is a unique one. There can be a sexist view from mothers about a father who stays at home, but most are very welcoming when they see you’re just trying to support your kids like they do. The harder part is the social side. One night my wife called and asked if it was okay for her to go out with the guys to have a beer. I replied it was fine and I was down the street drinking wine with the ladies. While I felt comfortable in that situation, most of the time I decline to hang out at a mother’s house for a play date when it is just her and I with the kids. Maybe overly sensitive, but I did have a husband once come running into the house thinking his wife was having an affair.
4) What advice would you give to other fathers?
(a) Be there for your kids! If you’re working, then make sure you keep enough in the tank to have a meaningful connection with your kids. That may mean giving up golf on the weekends, or drinking after work until late hours.
(b) Be there for your wife. I listen to a lot of unhappy wives complain about their husbands and how they don’t contribute. My wife goes out of her way to help around the house and provide some relief for me from the kids. We also make time to be together without the kids, even if it is just a walk around the neighborhood.
(c) Listen to your inner voice and find happiness. Often happiness doesn’t come from making a few extra dollars, it comes from seeing your child succeed after you have supported them, or watching your spouse light up when you demonstrate your love.
5) How have you come to balance parenthood and outside life?
Since I am the primary care giver I have mirrored my children. As they have matured and needed to spread their wings, I have expanded my life outside the home as well. I’ll admit my world was pretty small when my girls were babies, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. You’ll have the rest of your life to focus on outside life, first make sure your kids are prepared to handle the world because that will give you more freedom later on.
6) What have you learned from the fathers that you have interacted with?
We all struggle. Juggling a profession, a spouse and kids is difficult. Everyone goes through tough times but the ones who have supported their spouse and kids will receive the support they need.
7) What else would you share regarding your experiences as a father thus far?
Put your ego aside and you will liberate yourself. Don’t do things simply because you’re worried about the opinion of your family, neighbors, or co-workers. Once you have kids, it isn’t about you anymore.
8) What have been the most memorable experiences that you have had thus far as a parent?
Spending the summers five miles out on a lake, without road access, with my family. When you strip away many of the superficial items in your life, even indoor plumbing, and choose to live authentically with one another, you deepen your relationships and have a much more meaningful impact on your kids. My daughters have watched bald eagles fish, a mother bear swim her cubs across a channel, and loons raise their babies. These simple circle of life moments have grounded them and made us a tighter family.
If you have any questions for Matthew McKay, please leave a comment here and I will make sure that he gets them so that he may be able to respond!
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The post Dads in the Limelight – Author and Dad, Matthew McKay appeared first on Dad of Divas.