Dads in the Limelight – Doug Ziegler of Scotchfully Yours

My name is Doug Ziegler and Simply put, I’m a dad. The more complicated answer: I’m a 45 year old father of four, two girls and two boys. I’ve worked in IT for 20 years and have all the gray hair in my beard to prove it. I don’t have enough hair on my head to see how much gray I’m storing up there. I’m an avid reader and love college basketball. I’ve been known to have a few microbrews now and again. I’m In the limelight for (I hope) being an excellent father and a good role model for my children. I’m also a feminist and equality ally. Hopefully the limelight is not for singing, because I’m afraid I don’t have the pipes for that. I also write a blog called Scotchfully Yours

First of all, we are a blended family, which has led to such an enriched parenting experience that everyday I’m surprised by something new, and I have learned more about being a dad and about myself than I could have ever imagined. As I mentioned above, my wife Jillian and I have four kids. Aleya, 15; Kyle, 12; Genevieve, 11; and Eric, 9. Jillian and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. Our kids are each marvelous in their own ways, and they get along exceptionally well. I know we’re very fortunate in that respect and so many others. We’re silly, loud, and allow everyone to be and express themselves as they are. As long as what they say or do doesn’t harm others, we want them to feel free to speak their minds and know it’s a safe space in our house.

Being that we are a blended family, easily the most challenging thing I’ve had to face as a dad is not having our kids all the time. There are times when I’d love to give one of the kids a hug when they’ve had a hard day and facetime or texting is all that we can give because of custody agreements. We try to focus on the positive of having as much time as we do with them and making it count, but I’m human: I have moments where I miss them so much I cry. We have great kids, and they understand the dynamics well, so those moments are thankfully rare, especially now that we’re plunging into the teen and preteen seasons of their lives.

Be present and listen. That’s a lot harder than you may think. Sure, there’s times where you need to make a call about something in their lives that they don’t agree with. But they aren’t just kids, they’re small humans. They, like you, have ideas, likes, fears, anxieties, and hopes about life. Listen to those, and find ways to help them navigate the world.

Just like any parent, this is difficult for me sometimes. I have a lengthy commute to and from work, and I’m on call one week a month so I get phone calls at wacky hours. This makes it easy to feel like you’re too exhausted to participate in their day. Add to it the constant lure of devices and social media pulling everyone this way and that, and it’s quite easy to lose focus on that balance. I do, all the time, and have to recenter my focus. I’m never completely balanced, of course, but my wife and I try to talk to our kids, even if it’s seemingly about nothing. It shows you’re invested in them and their lives, which kids crave. For me it helps to think of myself as a father first, rather than what I do for a living or how old I am.

I’ve learned that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all thing. Every kid is different, so parenting each kid is different. Some of our kids respond well to a more stern approach when they’ve made a mistake. Our other kids require a defter touch in order to get them to understand. You tailor your approach to each child’s way of processing. I’ve seen a wide array of approaches; some I have used, and some that I wouldn’t ever use because that simply wouldn’t work in my family. I’m still floored by just how many dads are involved and present in their kids’ lives. It’s a great thing to see and know.

It’s a cliche, but don’t sweat the small stuff. That’s hard when you’re firing on three brain cells because you’ve had almost no sleep, or something your kid did baffles you or tweaks your pet peeves. But your kids need you, and there will be bigger issues to tackle as they get older. A messy room is annoying, but it’s not important in the grand scheme of things. As the song goes, “Let it goooo, let it goooo..”

Obviously the births were pretty amazing. For me the memorable things are the small things. Your child giving you a hug and kiss in public, knowing they may get razzed for it. Grabbing your hand to walk into the grocery store. Conversations around the dinner table that sometimes get a bit heated and other times turns into fits of laughter. Sure, big moments like first steps, first words, and the first day of school are going to etch themselves into your memories, but it’s the little things I’ll hearken back to when they’re too old to hold my hand.