Dads in the Limelight – Roberto Santiago

That’s a big question, one I am constantly trying to answer through writing. I am a Japanese-Puerto Rican kid from Berkeley, California. I grew up mostly with single mother, who worked as a freelance journalist. Though I swore I’d never become a writer, I was drawn to it. I am also an academic. I run a program at a community college here in the Bay Area. I have been blogging since 2003, in the years since I became a parent my writing has skewed towards talking about that aspect of my life. However, I try to intertwine my thoughts on parenting with other topics such as sports, politics, and culture. Hence the title of the blog, “An Interdisciplinary Life.” I think the most interesting aspect of parenting is in how we approach shaping our children as active participants in the world.

2) Tell me about your family

I have there kids, ages 8, 6, and 2. Buddy, my oldest, was born in California. The two girls were born in Maryland. All three were born at hime, by design. I never thought I’d become advocate for home birth, but I truly believe in it as the best option for people with low-risk pregnancies. My oldest kids go to the local school, the baby is in day care. I spent three years as a stay at home dad, which fulfilled a dream I’d had since I was six-years-old. I gave it up to take my current job because it was chance for us to move back home to California.

Patience. I’ve spent most of my adult life learning to control both my temper and my expectations of others. Sometimes I expect too much of the kids and I get frustrated. It’s been a challenge to myself to take a breath and approach frustrating times with compassion and calm. I also feel guilty that I haven’t taught them to do enough physical things. Neither of my older kids can swim or ride a bike. I feel like a tremendous failure and I’m looking for time and opportunity to fix that. It’s on me though.

4) What advice would you give to other fathers?

You can do it. I know some people who wait to have kids until they feel like the timing is perfect. They want to have the “right” job, or they want to have a certain amount of money, or they want to live in a certain place. Really, the only thing you need to be a good parent is to want to have kids and be ready to sacrifice for them. You do need to give up a part of yourself and subsume your own desires in order to be a good parent. As long as you’re willing to do that, the rest doesn’t matter. You’ll be great at it. It sounds cheesy, but really, all you need is love. You’ll figure the rest out. Also, don’t worry too much about all the advice you’ll get. You’ll get a lot of people and “experts” telling you how to raise your kid, and half of the advice will contradict the other half. Don’t stress. Take in the info, and do what works best for your family. Seriously, if you watch no TV, or a bunch of TV; if you eat sugar, or never eat sugar; if you go to bilingual preschool, or stay home until kindergarten, your kid is probably going to be fine. Just try to enjoy each other and enjoy being a family.

I have a lot of outside interests. I’m a referee, and that has involved some travel. I am a writer, and that involves some travel. I am a teacher, and that involves being away from home. So there’s a lot of times when I’m not there. At the same time, I was a stay at home dad for three years when they were little, so being away is what created balance. During those years I needed an occasional day out the house, or the occasional weekend away. I think it’s important for all parents to have something outside the home. Now that I’m working again I’m looking at pairing down my hobbies and doing more with the family. I am home with the kids now since I have the summer off. The last few weeks I’ve again cherished having an evening with friends and away from the kids. TL;DR: have some friends.

6) What have you learned from the fathers that you have interacted with?

That’s another big question. A lot. I’ve learned quite a bit about how to approach the thorny situations, even the ones I’m not facing yet, like dating. I’ve had a lot of good conversations about exposure to various media (video games, movies, tv, etc) and at what ages to introduce them. Mostly whatI’ve learned is that there are a ton of involved dads out there. They have every conceivable background and approach, and they’re all successful. They share similar fears and worries about raising kids, and they come up with different solutions. Through that they maintain respect for other approaches, and incorporate new ideas as they see fit. It’s been really cool to find communities of dads who are really into being dads. It’s a very different experience than I had growing up, with a dad who wasn’t really around.

It’s been everything I’d hoped. I just hope that I’m living up to my role as a father. That’s the thing about doing this, you don’t really know the results for 30 years or so. So be vigilant, and be concerned, and care bout your role as a parent, but also try not to stress out too much. You can do this. I can do this. We can raise kids who will grow up to be happy productive people, without hovering over them or planning out their every waking moment.

8) What have been the most memorable experiences that you have had thus far as a parent?

Another biggie. The kids’ births were all amazing moments. I remember a lot of the “firsts.” The first time they were in a dance show. The first time we caught a foul ball. The first time we watched Star Wars. My son’s class this past year had publishing parties where they would invite parents to come hear their kids read stories or poems they’d written. I’ll always remember my son’s first season playing rugby. Watching him develop over the course of the summer was really cool. I’d made a point of not coaching him, just allowing myself to be a parent, and to let him learn from other people. By the end of the season he’d really figured out how to move around field and ended up scoring a few times. It was cool to se his confidence build and for him to do it independent of me. I really like the times when they get to exercise a measure of independence and autonomy. I feel like that’s when they get to test their abilities and really learn about the world.